7/13/08

Exhaustive Research At Sacramento Bee Characterizes 0.018% of Military

Beware! That Uniformed Youngster Could Be The Next Timothy McVeigh

Type: Power CHUD
CHUDitude: 5
Location of Outbreak: Sacramento Bee, Front Page (h/t McClatchy Watch)
Description of Attack: Every so often, CHUDs in position of power feel it necessary to conduct some "investigative journalism" on the few servicemembers who break the law. The New York Times tried this several months ago, and it was not well received. The Sacramento Bee is seeking a more political bent with their journalism, as the front page article negatively reflects on the military in Iraq by stating that low-life criminals have literally slapped a uniform on and dragged their ball and chain to the sandbox. However, the article erroneously states that the military doesn't investigate backgrounds extensively, but most servicemembers in Iraq require at least a Secret security clearance, and all members of our armed forces can attest to the painful process of filling out paperwork on your medical and personal background. To best describe the volume of paperwork one has to fill out regarding these matters, think of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now: "The Horror...The Horror".

Similar to how Fox News has managed to make every middle-aged male who drives a van a sex offender, the Sac Bee is attempting to instill fear within the general populous of our servicemembers. Unfortunately, their crack team was only able to analyze 250 "suspect soldiers", which represents a stunning 0.018% of the armed forces. Of course that was enough for CHUDs to leave drive-by comments like:
  • "Can we stop pretending that the military has the best and brightest....lets get real they had no other career option, so they have to kill for a living...yeah I know we have to treat them with kid gloves and lie to make them feel like their noble", and
  • "Hitler and Stalin's armies had convicted criminals as well! History repeats itself here too"
Bravo, Sacramento Bee! You are truly a messenger of influence.

Prognosis: Despite the author's prominent chin and southern gentleman-like qualities, things are not looking good for the newspaper biz, particularly McClatchy, who owns the Sacramento Bee. Their stock has tanked to less than 5 bucks a share, and the recent Gallup confidence poll shows a lousy 24% approval rating for newspapers. The numbers could be slightly improved, if they filed the CHUD Attacks under "G"...for garbage.

3 comments:

olgreydog7 said...

Just another left leaning organization with a lower approval rating than Bush. Does America like anything nowadays?

olgreydog7 said...

Guess we couldn't get a job huh? I should tell them that, so far, every JO I know that has gotten out has made at least 6 figures. The E-dawgs have made around 60 grand. Better than a college grad with a liberal arts major. Hell, better than some engineering majors.

LT Nixon said...

OGD,

The Gallup poll indicates that military/law enforcement receive good approval ratings, while HMOs/media/congress/Prez are in shit city. This assumes that CHUDs didn't flood the polling sample, I assume.