Because July 4th is a Great Time To Hate America

Careful, He's radioactive!

Type: The Mr. Van Driessen CHUD
CHUDitude: 7
Location of Outbreak: Progressive Magazine, Headline Article "Why I'm Not Patriotic"
Description of Attack: Madison's Progressive Magazine is like most run-of-the-mill socialist rags. It complains about how Obama is going to far to the center, it makes horrendously inaccurate predictions for Iraq, and it glorifies god-awful wuss musicians that "have a message". But, once in awhile, the coffee shops get shut down for a holiday and their inability to get their morning mocha latte sends them into a full-scale CHUD frenzy! The editor, Matthew Rothschild, talks about how horrible it is to live in our neo-colonialist empire on the 4th of July:

He has stripped patriotism to its vacuous essence: Love your country because it’s yours. If we stopped that arm from reflexively saluting and concerned ourselves more with “universal ideals” than with parochial ones, we’d be a lot better off. We wouldn’t be in Iraq, we wouldn’t have besmirched ourselves at Guantanamo, we wouldn’t be acting like some Argentinean junta that wages illegal wars and tortures people and disappears them into secret dungeons.

Ah yes, the pillars of military service in America: honor, courage, and orchestrating a coup in Buenos Aires. Mr. Rothschild, you are one sharp cookie!

Prognosis: Looking at Mr. Rothschild, one would assume he's a bit of a wuss that only gets upset when someone's pick-up truck blocks the bike lane. But, beware! These CHUDs pollute the minds of our impressionable youth in the lecture halls and streets of our public universities (like the University of Wisconsin at Madison). It's no secret that these embarrassing leftover CHUDs from the 60s don't like the military very much, and they will slip in commentary bashing our troops as long as they feel safe from reprisal (often in the form of "Fuck you, hippie" from the hard-working townsfolk). Any criticism toward their ilk will be construed as "death threats" from "right-wing hatemongers"as Mr. Rothschild points out today, or a possible Karl Rove conspiracy. So, tread lightly when observing this CHUD, my friends.