Soldiers Murdering Their Pregnant Spouse is Pretty Much the Standard

Type: Dotsam and Netsam CHUD
CHUDitude: 3
Location of Outbreak: Jezebel, comments (h/t Ms. K)
Description of Attack: The case of Megan Lynn Touma, who was murdered near Fort Bragg, has been a shocking tragedy. Often, people will take one event and try to proscribe a lesson about society in general. Despite not citing any evidence, a commenter at Jezebel, leaves a sweeping assertion about pregnant service members:

The military is a microcosm of middle class and poor life, because those are the groups most represented in the everyday military. As such, incidents such as these are not terribly shocking, given that the general trend is for pregnant women to be murdered by spouses/ex-spouses. It is highlighted only by the fact that there have been so many cases in one particular area, focusing attention on the problem. Let's hope the attention does some good before more pregnant soldiers meet their demise at the hands of colleagues.

Assuming "general" trend implies a majority, a pregnant woman in the military would have a higher chance of survival than if she played Russian roulette with 3 rounds in the chamber. C.H.U.D. Busters looked on the Google for evidence of most pregnant women getting killed while on active duty, but there was no such study. Is there a government cover-up involved?

Prognosis: People on the internet often assert statements that have no basis in facts or reality. These include comments about Lyndon Larouche being a great man, a secret cabal of Jews running the world, and that most people in the military are uneducated morons. This hyperbole is often used to prove some ideological point, but generally makes the commenter look more dumb than if they had just posted a few smiley faces or something. Lucky for us, Ms. Kiyum was on Jezebel refuting this CHUD attack. Be careful though, Ms. K, don't get dragged down into their lair.


Guilt By Association

Ronald Gray = Bad Man

Type: Dotsam and Netsam CHUD
CHUDitude: 2
Location of Outbreak: SF Chronicle, Comments (h/t Mezzo SF)
Description of Attack: Ronald Gray was an Army cook who moonlighted as a serial killer at Fort Bragg back in the late 80s. His story has seen a resurgence in popularity because Bush chose to affirm his death sentence, which is rare in military justice. There has been little CHUD outbursts at the military as a whole, but MezzoSF found one lurking in the shadows in the comments section of the newspaper from her beloved city. Carverbrian writes in:

Unlucky for him, if he'd just had enough patience and self-control to wait until 2003, he could have raped and killed Iraqis to his heart's content. Probably would have gotten a medal, especially if he was an officer.

For the sake of accuracy, it should be noted that servicemembers (both officer and enlisted) can achieve the highest medals presented by the U.S. government without actually raping civilians.

Prognosis: The response to Gray's actions has been primarily directed at his horrendous deeds and not the service as a whole. The half-life of this story has been short, as the L.A. earthquake and Senator Stevens' shenanigans have sent it down the memory hole. For extra credit, you can read the odd Kos diary where the poster asserts that Bush is executing this man because he's black and wants to make Obama look bad, but it's very devoid of reasoning and not a CHUD attack per se. But good job to Mezzo for catching this one, as it shows how CHUD patterns can be unpredictable when there is seemingly little disturbance.


World Can't Wait and Their Quest for Relevance

The proverbial folded Kinko's photocopy...can you feel teh revolushion? (pic from zombietime)

Type: CHUDs on Parade
CHUDitude: 8
Location of Outbreak: Berkeley, CA (captured on Zomblog)
Description of Attack: World Can't Wait is struggling for relevance in the post-communist era. They have tried slapping more exclamation points on their website, and they penned a CHUDeriffic Op-Ed in the Berkeley Daily Planet on "Why I Don't Support the Troops". Now, they've jumped on the Code Pink bandwagon to protest the Marine Recruiting Station in Berkeley. Zomblog has captured the above CHUD propaganda with Abu Ghraib imagery, which has become a modern Neverending Story, fueling CHUD attacks for 5 years now. While Abu Ghraib is a legitimate critique of the military, the crazy on the left (uh, Rockefeller conspiracies?) and the Rascal-bound lardass on the right show that this group isn't very interested in reason.

Prognosis: There has been recent efforts in mainstream political circles to ostracize the fringe CHUD element (see lengthy Salon article on the silliness of CHUD culture). This is because they are embarrassing, incompetent, trolls for the causes they supposedly endorse. The Summer of Love ended a long time ago, and stupid protest tactics aren't effective anymore.

The Onion parodies CHUDs on Madison Avenue

Home Depot Honors Fallen Soldiers With Great Prices On Tools

Not real CHUDs, but pretty funny nonetheless.


Paratroopers in Afghanistan Are Failures

Type: Dahmer CHUD
CHUDitude: 8
Location of Outbreak: Enlightened Rogue Blog, Post
Description of Attack: The 9 troops recently killed in Afghanistan by the Taliban was both shocking and tragic. The paratroopers fought ferociously, but their names and the details weren't even released when a CHUD, lurking in the shadows of the blogworld, chose to taunt his fellow countrymen. Roger Young writes:

If these clowns are fighting for my freedom, as they and their supporters claim, this action is unacceptable. Now my freedom and security is at risk. Let me get this straight. If soldier boys fight and die they’re considered “heroes”, even though being killed would seem to indicate failure. After all, how can you successfully defeat your enemy when you are dead? So, what do you call them when they retreat and run? Cowards?

Roger blogs from the mean streets of Dallas, Texas. Therefore, that qualifies him as an expert on courage under fire from the Taliban. He also calls Vietnam Vets failures in his own classy way over at Crazy Lew's.

Is Roger Young the long-lost brother of shanked-in-prison child-murderer Dahmer? CHUD Busters says maybe!

Prognosis: Roger's consistent reference to Soldiers as "boys" when the military is clearly co-ed, indicates that there's some weird fetish going on with the men in uniform. His photography collection of a glistening young boy playing pee-wee football, boys entangled in a baseball game, and a picture of a deserted prairie to hide his NAMBLA-like crimes is incredibly frightening. Like Mr. Horton's Bike Shop from Different Strokes, it's best to steer clear of this CHUD unless you fancy being sodomized as a headless corpse...while being called a failure.


CHUDs Spit Radioactive Ooze All Over Iraq Vet!

Type: CHUDs On Parade
CHUDitude: 11 (yes, these go to 11)
Location of Outbreak: UC-Santa Barbara Protest (h/t Skye)
Description of Attack: There has been significant debate about whether or not CHUDs actually spit on Vietnam Veterans. Well, CHUD Busters wasn't around in that era, but consider this video definitive proof that it has occurred in our current conflict. This was filmed by an Iraq vet from the UCSB Young Republicans (alternative LiveLeak viewing here):

The highlights of the CHUD attacks include:
  • 2:25 - General Betrayus meme brought up
  • 4:40 - Sexy CHUD in disguise yells "Go back to Iraq and fuckin' kill people you asshole"
  • 5:42 - Crazy pony-tailed douchebag screams "Your military is raping women"
  • 6:20 - Vet spit on with "Fuck your facsist state" by a Punky Brewster CHUD, laughter is heard in the background
Prognosis: A cynical person might say that the YouTube director in question was provoking these attacks through political methodology, but the video is evidence of a full-scale CHUD outbreak. The only question remains is how to deal with these CHUDs: either drag them off to the funny farm or just put them down before they hurt themselves or someone else.

One possible solution to our CHUD woes

CHUDs Trolling From Mom's Basement

Type: Dotsam and Netsam CHUDs
CHUDitude: 4
Location of Outbreak: OYE, Comments (h/t Wek)
Description of Attack: A Special Forces soldier, blinded by a mortar attack, but still proudly serving, would be a moving piece to most Americans, possibly symbolizing the epic struggle of mankind to persevere. Operation Yellow Elephant highlighted this courageous young man, but the CHUDs were still not impressed. Aaron Kinney chimes in:

You would think that after losing his sight that he would realize that the military is a meat grinder, and that it would ultimately destroy him. You would think that he would take this as a warning, or as a foreshadowing, and get out of the military/slaughterhouse... but no.

Oh well. Those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them.

And here we are, the taxpayers, paying a BLIND GUY to keep WATCH over our safety.

Hooray for government! Wheeeee!

I'm sure the paratroopers in the 82nd are wetting their britches at the harsh threats that Mr. Kinney is making from his anonymous residence in Los Angeles.

Prognosis: Aaron Kinney is a recurring troll who likes to spout ideologically inconceivable arguments about "radical libertarianism" and show erotic pictures of his cat. He, along with his CHUD partner Francois, have made similar threats to military members before. They once received the coveted title of "World Class Douche" at The Sniper, and responses to negate this honor were met with accusations that all service members were "faggots". A joint video they concocted on July 4th shows their commitment to America, and clearly it is filmed from the confine of their mother's basement.


Protest at Fort Bragg? Wait, It's Just Those Westboro Jackasses

File Photo of The Westboro Church, Pretty Much All Their Protests Are of the Same Caliber

Type: CHUD Jesus
CHUDitude: 7
Location of Outbreak: Fort Bragg, NC protest (h/t Ms. Kiyum)
Description of Attack: The controversial murder of SPC Touma in Fayetteville has sparked significant interest in the media, so a protest at the base could have been about any number of issues: PTSD, accountability of soldiers, women in the military, etc. As described by one local news outlet, there were "anti-military" protesters and counter-demonstrators consisting of Army wives. The "anti-military" moniker is a bit vague, and could not necessarily mean a CHUD outbreak. However, it turns out it was those fuckers from Westboro Church:

The Westboro group, sang the Marine hymn and held signs suggesting that Fort Bragg actively encourages homosexuality. Among the group was a boy, no more than 10 years old, holding a sign which reads “God Hates The USA.’’

Don't these people ever go away?

Prognosis: The list of things that the Westboro Church has protested to bring up the "God Hates Fags" meme has been long and tasteless. The Sago mine disaster, the Pope, Tim Russert's funeral, and many many others. Like the bumps on your genitalia that may or may not be herpes, it is best to ignore the festering sores on our society. However, it's pretty funny when they get Ric-Roll'd.

Code Pink Tries To Seduce The Counter-Demonstrators

Beware, despite Jabba The CHUDs sexy looks, she is singing a Siren song

Type: CHUDs on Parade
CHUDitude: 2
Location of Outbreak: Code Pink Blog, post entitled "Jeepers Creepers What To Make of Freepers"
Description of Attack: The Code Pink ladies initially unleashed the CHUD when they began trying to drive out the Marine recruiter in Berkeley. Since militiary recruiting is an essential component of the all-volunteer service, a CHUD attack on this process clearly signifies that Code Pink does not "Support the Troops". However, like the seductive sirens of ancient Greece, they are attempting to woo the likes of Rolling Thunder and The Sheepdogs over to their strange political ideology with this rambling blog post full of gramatically incorrect sentences and a whole lot of exclamation points & CAPS:

We ALL share a concern for the well-being of America's troops.
We ALL have a common desire to see America emerge victorious in the Global War on Terror (although we may differ on how best to achieve that victory).
We ALL recognize that the U.S. Congress, like so many other institutions in our country, has grown corrupt and is not functioning as it should.
We are ALL passionate in the belief that our activism is in the best tradition of American patriotism and vital to a healthy democracy... something toward which we ALL strive.

Like the psychotic woman who leaves you a text message every 15 minutes explaining why it's so great that she just washed her hair, the rationalization for their existence is relentless and painful. When the Code Pink blogger finally ends with a "Let's get Biz-ZAY", you find yourself praying that you have any heterosexuality left.

Prognosis: The Pinkers have long been a punching bag for bloggers, who see them as the most well-publicized caricature of the CHUD uprising. The fact that they are attempting to "reconcile" with their obvious opponents shows that they've lost a lot of public support and seen the stupidity of their shenanigans. However, it could also mean that they have planted a trojan horse and are waiting to lash out in a CHUD-like fury and devour the brains and flesh of their enemies. CHUD Busters advises all friendly forces to remain in a high state of vigilance.


William Arkin Just Can't Let Go Of The Past

Mr. Arkin Takes A Break From His Hectic Lifestyle in Vermont To CHUD it Up

Type: Mr. Van Driessen CHUD
CHUDitude: 4
Location of Outbreak: Washington Post, Planet War Forum (h/t This Ain't Hell)
Description of Attack: With Saddam's Regime completely dismantled, Al-Qaeda fleeing Mosul, and talk of the ability to significantly reduce combat coalition forces in Iraq, it can only be surmised that U.S. forces are fleeing Iraq like the Polish cavalry from the Nazi invaders. William Arkin postulates that the focus point of the election is how the presidential candidates attempt to preserve the faltering honor of our service members:

In fact both men are struggling with the same objective and reality: how to end the Iraq war favorably and without admitting defeat, and how to preserve the honor of the American military.

Despite Mr. Arkin's assertion that the U.S. military is in disgrace like the French at the Maginot Line, his CHUD attacks are much less severe and indirect than last year when he accused deployed soldiers of being self-centered ingrates.

Prognosis: New moments in history and the complexities in areas of conflict are difficult to analyze for CHUDs in the media that are already utilizing horribly outdated talking points. It's best to just recreate historical analogies for present events (like Nixonian withdrawal in Vietnam applied to Iraq as Jonn points out). Besides, getting laid was easier in those days, drugs and gas were cheaper, and William wasn't a balding, middle-aged bozo.


The Verdict On Generation Kill Is In

C.H.U.D. Busters can't watch the HBO special...because that shit is extra. However, the verdict is in: No CHUD Outbreak!

For a counterpoint, Debbie Schlussel is flabbergasted that most Marines don't like Barry Manilow, which clearly indicates she has never met a Marine.

Why the Marines Don't Like Barry will remain a mystery for the ages


Exhaustive Research At Sacramento Bee Characterizes 0.018% of Military

Beware! That Uniformed Youngster Could Be The Next Timothy McVeigh

Type: Power CHUD
CHUDitude: 5
Location of Outbreak: Sacramento Bee, Front Page (h/t McClatchy Watch)
Description of Attack: Every so often, CHUDs in position of power feel it necessary to conduct some "investigative journalism" on the few servicemembers who break the law. The New York Times tried this several months ago, and it was not well received. The Sacramento Bee is seeking a more political bent with their journalism, as the front page article negatively reflects on the military in Iraq by stating that low-life criminals have literally slapped a uniform on and dragged their ball and chain to the sandbox. However, the article erroneously states that the military doesn't investigate backgrounds extensively, but most servicemembers in Iraq require at least a Secret security clearance, and all members of our armed forces can attest to the painful process of filling out paperwork on your medical and personal background. To best describe the volume of paperwork one has to fill out regarding these matters, think of Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now: "The Horror...The Horror".

Similar to how Fox News has managed to make every middle-aged male who drives a van a sex offender, the Sac Bee is attempting to instill fear within the general populous of our servicemembers. Unfortunately, their crack team was only able to analyze 250 "suspect soldiers", which represents a stunning 0.018% of the armed forces. Of course that was enough for CHUDs to leave drive-by comments like:
  • "Can we stop pretending that the military has the best and brightest....lets get real they had no other career option, so they have to kill for a living...yeah I know we have to treat them with kid gloves and lie to make them feel like their noble", and
  • "Hitler and Stalin's armies had convicted criminals as well! History repeats itself here too"
Bravo, Sacramento Bee! You are truly a messenger of influence.

Prognosis: Despite the author's prominent chin and southern gentleman-like qualities, things are not looking good for the newspaper biz, particularly McClatchy, who owns the Sacramento Bee. Their stock has tanked to less than 5 bucks a share, and the recent Gallup confidence poll shows a lousy 24% approval rating for newspapers. The numbers could be slightly improved, if they filed the CHUD Attacks under "G"...for garbage.


C.H.U.D. Advisory: rEVOLution March

Can You Spot Jabba the CHUD? (from This Ain't Hell)

Type: CHUDs from the Ronulan Planet, CHUDs on Parade
CHUDitude: 8
Location of Outbreak: Washington DC, rEVOLution March
Description of Attack: There's nothing like a Ron Paul event to bring out teh crazy. Jonn Lilyea does a superb job capturing the activities in image, while the Western Standard informs us of your typical malcontent in attendance:

He's talking about the anti-Christ, and about dots being put on mail boxes. Red dot means the aliens are coming. Blue dot means cheese doodles. Pink dot means elephant graveyard. Actually, no, that's not what he said. Red dot means you're a resistor (or something), pink dot means the government can work with you, and blue dot... whatever.

Sounds like the Uncle your parents warned you to stay away from at the family reunion. Anyhoo, Naomi Klein graced the crowd with her C.H.U.D. presence. She is known for inciting mutiny within the ranks of our proud service members, stating that the military is a bunch of low-class imbeciles, and that 9/11 was an inside job. She spoke at the Paulbot festival, and James Edwards was there to talk about the "patriots" marching against the neo-cons, along with the fact that it was a "mighty whitey" parade in his words (Edwards is bit of a creepy white supremacist). Man, it's a shame C.H.U.D. Busters is located in the Northwest and not in D.C.

Prognosis: Free speech is a inalienable natural right in our modern world, but it can degenerate into a frightening reality as CHUDs congregate upon our very seat of power in DC. Wonkette and This Ain't Hell braved the rEVOLution march to capture the horrors of the C.H.U.D., but sometimes it is necessary to adopt the Homer Simpson approach in the Mr. Plow episode and just clear all the riff raff out of the way.

Call Mr. Plow, That's My Name, That Name Again is Mr. Plow


A Brief Chit-Chat with Floyd Gondolli, a C.H.U.D.

Talking is Important To Better Understand Our CHUD Counterparts

Type: C.H.U.D. from the Ronulan Planet
CHUDitude: 4
Location of Outbreak: LT Nixon Rants, comments
Description of Attack: While penning a post on the negative image that can sometimes affect our political third-parties, LT Nixon erroneously attributed the piece "Ron Paul as Prophet" to Lew Rockwell, when it was actually Mark Sunwall writing at LewRockwell.com. Sorry, for the mix-up, Lew! Floyd Gondolli writes in:

Grow up. You aren't qualified to carry Lew's jock. I'm willing to give you a pass on lack of creativity and original thought because of your chosen profession, but please, if you're going to criticize original thinkers like Rockwell, back it up with some substance. Failing that, you only expose yourself as the mental midget your blog shows you to be. I eagerly await your name calling, simple-minded response. Take your time scrolling through your rolodex of insults - I need a good laugh.

Floyd, FYI, Lew only has time to promote CHUD-like aberrations, such as guest posts about God being angry at the troops and the not-so-subtle article "Don't Support The Troops". Lew has much more important matters to attend to, such as becoming visibly outraged that Wal-Mart discontinued their line of Maurice's BBQ Sauce becuase it was "pro-Confederate".

Prognosis: Mr. Floyd Gondolli has directed his anger at people disrespecting Lew Rockwell before. This is the second time he has talked about Lew's jockstrap to LT Nixon, and the fact that his handle is borrowed from the old pervert producer in Boogie Nights seems a bit too creepy to be coincidental. Floyd is mostly likely a hold-over from the Paulmania that took place earlier this year, and is seeking retribution against perceived enemies for sinking the campaign. Consider the CHUD threat low, unless Floyd launches the blimp to take down CHUD Busters along with the Bilderberg conspiracy.


Oh The Irony! CHUD Calling for Nuremberg Trials Actually a Neo-Nazi

CHUDs Spreadin' The Hate

White Pride C.H.U.D.
CHUDitude: 7
Location of Outbreak: Amazon Book Reviews, Bugliosi "The Prosecution of G.W. Bush For Murder"
Description of Attack: The new book from Vincent Bugliosi about prosecuting President Bush for war crimes has been making the rounds in blogland. C.H.U.D. Busters isn't very interested in the treatment and public perception of politicians, but our search for any lurking CHUDs begins in the comments from Amazon book reviewers of this new work of non-fiction. There are a multitude of comments dissatisfied with our current Presidential administration, but only one C.H.U.D. in the bunch that seeks to actually put the military on war crimes trial, as the CHUD advocates for the hanging of General Petraeus in a Nuremberg-style trial not seen since the fall of Nazi Germany. This goes beyond the normal discontent with the military and advocates execution of our military leaders in public square like some goofy third-world dictatorship.

Ironically, the reviewer, known only with the cryptic handle A Reader, seems a bit compelled to post other Amazon reviews that suggest he is a man of strong virtue and integrity. Some examples include how the Holocaust never existed, a lukewarm review of Mein Kampf, and calling the supremacist bible White Power "very thought provoking and prophetic".

C.H.U.D. Busters can't make this shit up.

Prognosis: The depth of this CHUDs Amazon reviews suggest that he truly believes in his ideology of advocating violence against a wide swath of contemporary American society. Like the mutants from The Hills Have Eyes, these CHUDs embody the fear that young successful urbanites often possess of rural citizens. "A Reader" is most likely posting these comments from a cabin in southern Utah while masturbating onto the severed head of his mother. His strange obsession with the schlocky band Yes further adds to the creepiness of this CHUD.


SDS Attack Recruiting Station With Disco-Style Theatrics

CHUD Droppings Left At DC Recruiting Station

Trust Fund CHUDs / CHUDs on Parade
CHUDitude: 9
Location of Outbreak: DC Protest on 20 Feb, boastfully publicized in new SDS Newsletter (page 8 of PDF)
Description of Attack: Way back when in February, CHUDs from the Students for a Democratic Society used the clever catch phrase "Funk the War" to trash a DC recruiting station. Obviously, many commentators in the blogosphere not fond of CHUD weren't "Feeling Da Funk" and chastised them for the twerp vandals that they were. The SDS has retailated by publishing a sleek PDF newsletter that promotes "real girl love" rather than "girl hate", shutting down the RNC by utilizing a color-coded "zone system" to organize vandalism, and the employment of Disco in their CHUD-like tactics:

The first Funk theWar started with 30 people, an unmixed mash of music, and a march that weaved around DC's downtown business district blocking traffic. The second swelled to 100 high school students, a DJ, a spontaneous occupation of Lockheed Martin, the dismantling of all the posters and furniture on the inside of a recruiting station, and thewallpapering of the recruiting station, DC republican party headquarters, and war profiteer's offices with stickers.

Their parents must be so proud.

Prognosis: The modern SDS gleefully enjoys living on the coattails of the former terrorist group, which was an offshoot of the original SDS, and the horrendous musical stylings of late-70s music. But even then, they are hypocrites, since the disco icons, The Village People, starred both a guy who liked to dress like a cop, and another dude who always dressed in military duds, indicating disco inherently supported our servicemembers.

The SDS has promised to protest the upcoming DNC in August, and conventioneers should bring proper protection, as the CHUD threat is considered extremely high.


CHUD Cornered On YouTube

Type: Dotsam and Netsam CHUD
Location of Outbreak: Youtube, Staten Island Madman's Video Comments
Description of Attack: The self-proclaimed Staten Island Madman, aka Mr. Hotshit 1960, has a video up dating from late 2006 expressing his modest dissatisfaction with the "Fuck the Troops" Myspace group.

Proud American!

In true New Yorker form, he states "You don't back the troops, go fuck yourself, get the fuck outta heeeeere...you little prick bastards". Obviously, this outspoken support of our service members has left him open to some low-level e-CHUD attacks from barely literate Youtube commenters. Sleepy2k16 writes:

a soldier is a sucker, a moron, a dumb animal, a killer, a fool, an idiot. Your stupid. MILITARY MEN ARE A BUNCH OF DUMB ANIMALS, MEANINGLESS PAWNS To be used for profits in foriegn policy

A quick perusal of Mr. Sleepy2k16's YouTube page shows a bunch of creepy 9/11 conspiracy videos in his faves, a lone bulletin who argues that "all we need is love" to solve the world's problems, and a massive anti-CHUD reaction force in the comments section.

You are a disgusting excuse for a human being. GET THE FU*K OUT OF AMERICA WE DO NOT WANT YOU HERE. I would LOVE to boot kick your ass from Maine to the Mexican border. You ANTI-American SCUMBAG!!! GET THE FU*K OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


your a funking dumb ass, I don't know how you can be so dumb, saying that shit about the USMC, those are brave people defending you and you disrespect them? there fucking dieing and your making fun of them?? I just hope someone kicks your ass and kills you for what you wrote...

There are many of these. Apparently, SLEEPy2k16 didn't join Youtube to make a lot of friends and influence people.

Prognosis: Dotsam and Netsam CHUDs are frequently "pwned" by anti-CHUD forces in the exact same comments threads where they first appear. Like wrangling a rabid dog that has bitten their crotch, those that retaliate can often appear clumsy and use foul language as they throw off the offending CHUD. However, it is often best to take the high road during a CHUD encounter free of emotion and contact, as the CHUD's own appearance is evidence enough that he/she is an ugly offshoot of our modern society.

Rachel Maddow: Smart, Articulate, Progressive, and a CHUD?

Beneath That Friendly Smile Lurks A CHUD Waiting To Strike

Type: PundiCHUD
CHUDitude: 1
Location of Outbreak: MSNBC Countdown, 7/7/08
Description of Attack: Rachel Maddow is a rising star in the progressive punditocracy. The 35 year-old Rhodes Scholar has a glowing review of her at Alternet that states "keeps a punishing schedule that begins at 9 a.m." Wow, 9am! She champions many politically correct causes and the netroots are absolutely gaga over her. But beneath her sharp wit and intelligence, with which she hosts MSNBC's Countdown, she slipped in a CHUD comment seemingly unnoticed while discussing McCain's plan for the economy. At 4:00 in the clip:

Maddow: He's going to cut taxes for the rich, cut taxes on the corporations they own...balance the budget in 4 years...and pay for it all with the pot of gold you get after reaching the highest level in the Iraq and Afghanistan video game. (smug laughter is heard in the background)

Just to be clear to our C.H.U.D. Buster readers, this is the highest level in Contra (a classic NES videogame)

This is a picture of ISAF troops in Kandahar province (it's not a video game)

Prognosis: It is highly unlikely that a PundiCHUD would ever voice their disapproval of the military in a direct fashion on national television. However, the use of downplaying the significance of two wars could have disastrous consequences for our servicemembers down the road. After years of making serving your country look like a big joke, easily-influenced members of congress might side with funding "The Road to Nowhere" as opposed to VA benefits in a tight fiscal year. Maddow's comments were probably a gaffe, and I'm sure she meant no harm to the troops. But, sadly, the damage has already been done, and the American public grows further disconnected with the ongoing conflicts of our nation. This type of foolish language could be alleviated if we got some vet pundits on the cable talk shows for an issue that has a media shelf-life longer than 3 minutes, for God's sakes.

Real World CHUD Hunters...in Hollywood!

No Swag Bags Required To Respect This Man!

Above is Lt. Col. Breasseale, who's job is to read through Hollywood scripts and determine if the Army is willing to spend money on helping out the motion picture company with technical assistance and access to DoD areas (h/t GI Kate). However, Mr. Breasseale is not too happy with the way in which some Hollywood directors use their CHUD-like influence when making movies:

Breasseale is particularly critical of Brian De Palma's "Redacted," a film released last year and based on a real-life incident in which U.S. soldiers raped an Iraqi girl, then murdered her and her family. Breasseale, who was serving in Iraq at the time of the incident, says De Palma's movie intimates that all soldiers serving in Iraq are criminals.

Yes, sir. C.H.U.D. Busters agrees that Redacted was a cinematic CHUD monstrosity. Of course, assuming that entertainment industry is engaged in a diabolical conspiracy to actually make a profit, some basic historic precedents in film would have helped Brian De Palma in production:

Saving Private Ryan, which positively portrayed American Servicemembers, grossed $216,540,909 in America and won 5 academy awards.

Redacted, which negatively portrayed American servicemembers, grossed an embarrassing $65,388, was the target of a massive boycott, and is now being sold in the $3.99 dump bin at Wal-Mart.

You'd think it was rocket science to some of these Hollywood types.

The Adolescent LiveLeak Bullies

Type: Dotsam and Netsam CHUDs
CHUDitude: 5
Location of Outbreak: LiveLeak, Greyhawk's Milblog Channel
Description of Attack: Greyhawk has tossed out a morsel of CHUD-bait onto LiveLeak and had some of the pubescent sewer-dwellers come to the surface to voice their discontent about our military. ZenGaardens opines:

Scumbags who try to link the so-called "war on terror" to Iraq are the sheep who've bought into the neocon agenda. I pity you, but at the same time you're beneath my contempt.

KossAmerica writes rather eloquently:


And AndyBlue from Seattle chimes in:

well they signed up.... they deserve whatever comes their way....as the American economy goes down the drain as a direct result of their actions. Have fun. Dont complain or cry PTSD...You re-uped yourselves.

Along with having this avatar of a pooch that just screams "Help, my owner is a big douchebag", AndyBlue's opinions are frequently unwelcome at LiveLeak as evidenced by the massive amount of "thumbs down" troll ratings he receives. AndyBlue is fond of deviously using the term "Republiturd" in his comments, which is a clever pun on the word "Republican" (a conservative-leaning political party in America) and "Turd" (slang for feces).

Prognosis: LiveLeak is an excellent source for viewing provocative and silly video uploads such as obese mothers holding up a convenience store at gunpoint, ATV accidents, and hecklers attacking the President. However, just like the all-night porn shop off the interstate in Alabama, the goods may be enticing, but the clientele is probably low-class. This explains the high number of grammatically incorrect comments as well as the use of typing in all caps. As Greyhawk puts it, "These are low-level e-chud, likely pre-teen basement dwellers who's moms are out for the evening, and hardly worth a response." Consider this CHUD outbreak low-level.


Breaking The Glass Ceiling in an Evil Profession

Type: Wicked CHUDs of the West
CHUDitude: 2
Location of Outbreak: Jezebel, comments
Description of Attack: C.H.U.D. Busters salutes Lt. Gen. Dunwoody who has been nominated to be the first female four-star in U.S. Army history. The U.S. military has been a bit slow on the gender equality front, so naturally, Jezebel, the snarky "blog for women", would voice strong approval for this "herstoric" moment. Despite wide-spread enthusiasm in the female blogging community, one commenter, nellicat, just did not see it that way:

I know I'm being a bad feminist, but I just can't get excited about women making it to the top of the military. It kind of strikes me the same way gay republicans strike me - why on earth would you want to be associated with that?

A quick jaunt over to HuffPo suggests that some members of the blogging community just aren't very ecstatic about this triumph for women's rights either as Mexamerican puts it simply:

what a proud day for women: now they can be in charge of murder too!

Prognosis: Like Dorothy successfully braving the Land of Oz, some witch-like CHUDs just can't accept the achievements of other members of their gender without sending a bunch of flying monkeys after them. Despite the many accomplishments by women in our recent conflicts of this decade, the military remains too politically incorrect to be celebrated for certain CHUDs. These CHUDs prefer women to "break the glass ceiling" in "acceptable" careers like corrupt politician, professional dancer that perjures herself, and fetus-butcher.

The Anonymous Tough Guys on Campus

Type: Frat-Boy CHUD
CHUDitude: 3
Location of Outbreak: Juicy Campus, University of Florida "Overheard on Campus" Section
Description of Attack: Juicy Campus is an anonymous, collegiate rumor mill that represents the absolute dregs of the internet. The site maintains strict anonymity and C.H.U.D. Busters is unable to provide specific links to the javascript, but it is generally along the lines of outrageous gossip about which T.A. likes to bone on campus. However, typing "ROTC" into the search string, one posted rumor stands out from the University of Florida:

id you guys see that student who spat in some soldier's face while walking to class yesterday near Turlington It was seriously the most disrespectful thing I have ever seen, especially to someone who is serving our country. I was right there when it happened, and the soldier (I think he was ROTC or something because he was carrying a skateboard) was minding his own business and a random guy walked up to him, spat in his face, and told him to go die in Iraq.
This rumor seems a tad dubious, as those in uniform are not authorized to skateboard to and fro on campus. However, one of the replies represents a low-level C.H.U.D. attack:

No real soldier, sailor, or Marine would have taken that shit. If it was a Marine chances are he would have beaten the kid with the kids own books. The cadet (soldier) is a pussy for not doing anything about it. Kinda disgraceful that he didnt beat the shit out of him.

Yes, Chet, I'm sure if you were in uniform you would've already stomped that guy's ass, chopped off Osama Bin Laden's balls in Pakistan, and been back for the foam party with the Delta Phi chicks.

Prognosis: Mr. Anonymous cannot accept the fact that he is not the most "manly" on campus and must leave CHUD-like comments on the internet to confirm his alpha dog status. By humiliating those students in uniform, he engages in tribal like retribution to ensure that his frat house retains the "tough guy" status. Folks like him also tend to hypothesize Baron Munchhausen-style tales of bravery on the battlefield "If only there was a real war on" or "If they were in Iraq" instead of manning the keg at the rush party. These CHUDs on campus are a small sliver of the collegiate population and their attacks are very limited. Consider this CHUD outbreak contained.

To Heck With The Nuances, "Fuck The Troops!"

Type: Trust Fund CHUD
CHUDitude: 10!
Location of Outbreak: Revolutionary Anti-Imperialist Movement Denver, the entire blog (file this under "trouble ahead")
Description of Attack: What better way to rail against "the establishment" than denigrating our beloved troops. Despite the fact that many soldiers currently in Iraq hadn't gone through puberty when the decision to invade was made, our troops remain targeted as symbolic of everything wrong with "imperiali$t AmeriKKKa". From the RAIM Denver, there are no semantics, no hidden agendas, just a simple "Why we Say...Fuck The Troops!":

Watch this cracker whine that he isn’t allowed to murder Iraqi kids for throwing rocks at his pig ass. Listen carefully for the kid shouting “fuck you!” We are proud of you little RAIMer, keep it up!

Prognosis: Young, impressionable college students often fall victim to corrupted ideology once they leave the confines of their upper middle-class existence for higher education. Sadly, they mutate into CHUDs after reading a couple of Chomsky books and realizing that the world is not all lollipops and sunshine from a liberally-minded professor who once saw pictures of poor working conditions in Indonesia. They then find it necessary to overcompensate for their fortunate upbringing by posting obscenities in cyberspace like "American Flag BBQ" and why "Rev. Wright is Right about AmeriKKKa". Equating "revolutionary ideals" with being cool on the Trotskyite scene, young minds continue their descent into political violence. Most youngsters "grow up" when they have to work honest jobs, but these trust fund types have the ability to remain in school well beyond the 4 years for most undergrads, with a near infinite budget to wreak havoc on our society. They fail to see the irony of chastising our hard-working troops busting their humps in places like Iraq and Afghanistan, who are approximately the same age. Under the "Recreate 68!" tag on this blog, these troublemakin' CHUDs celebrate the destruction of a police vehicle at Evergreen College. The upcoming DNC Protests in August, entitled "Recreate 68!", has the potential to intimidate Democrat conventioners with political violence like some third-world dictatorship. Consider this CHUD outbreak as getting worse in Denver with the potential for violent CHUD attacks on damn near everything and everybody that isn't sporting a Che sticker.

Flashback: Celebrate Independence Day By Killing Your Commanding Officer

Watch out, General P! (from Zombietime)

Type: A Parade C.H.U.D.
CHUDitude: 8
Location of Outbreak: SF Art Gallery, Tenderloin District on July 4th, 2007
Description of Attack: Sometimes anti-Americanism can become so unhinged and ludicrous that protesting CHUDs will openly offer support to notorious thugs like FARC, Che Guevara, and murderous foreign militants in Iraq. This is often to the embarrassment of more moderate factions which seek to criticize U.S. policy in a rational manner. Zombietime has been chronicling the absurdity of these theatrics in the Bay Area for years. Last year, zombietime visited the Propaganda III Art Show in San Francisco and found the gem above.

Prognosis: Fragging was the practice of killing your superior in Vietnam, which was exploited by the media to highlight massive morale problems with the draft. Obviously, the U.S. military is all-volunteer now, and there has only been one reported incident of fragging for the entire duration of the Iraq conflict (well, two if you count that time in Kuwait). This CHUDs pathetic attempt to incite "social upheaval through art" fails to take into account that Army morale is not THAT bad, communist ideology collapsed 20 years ago, and showing this offensive garbage anywhere else than San Francisco would have gotten him punched in the face. Consider this CHUD's propaganda efforts contained to the Bay Area.


A Desperate Cry For Attention in Seattle

Type: Frat-Boy CHUD
CHUDitude: 9
Location of Outbreak: Seattle's The Stranger, "I, Anonymous" Forum
Description of Attack: Seattle's "Only Newspaper" The Stranger, hosts an uncensored forum where urban hipsters can scribble ridiculous rants about daily life in the Emerald City. If your sense of humor is low brow enough, you'll find forum topics like "Letters to my Abortions" and "Fuck You, Short People" to be good for a chuckle or two. Unfortunately, a downfall of this crass environment is that servicemembers are left open to CHUD attacks from anonymous keyboardists. In a not-so-subtle forum topic from March, entitled "Fuck the Troops", Ecce Homo writes:

Fuck these inbred ignorant high school dropout loser schmucks. Fuck em with a big hot poker then chop their dicks off. They ain't hero's, they are pigs who deserve to get blown up and killed. I hope the war goes on for a hundred years, that way, there will be less of these pigs on the streets of our country.

Clearly Mr. Homo's comments are as silly as they are offensive, yet the forum topic goes on for a lengthy 10 pages with people trying to rationalize why the troops are not pigs who deserve to get blown up and killed.

Prognosis: Mr. Homo is clearly writing this troll-like forum topic, because he desperately seeks attention (either negative or positive) from his fellow Seattle cyber-denizens. His signature script reads "The BEST thing about Pony is that it kept the faggots out of Pioneer Square", which clearly is designed to further offend most of Seattle's progressive population. Ecce Homo is analagous to the frat-boy at the rush party, who unabashedly grabs a young woman's ass to get the attention of other woman at the party. Many women will attempt to rationalize this irrartional, brutish action with things like "Why would he do that?" or "Why didn't he grab my butt, am I fat?". Instead, this obnoxious frat-boy should have just been kicked in the balls. Ecce Homo is peacocking his CHUD like traits, and it is best to ignore him until he crawls back into the sewer.

Because July 4th is a Great Time To Hate America

Careful, He's radioactive!

Type: The Mr. Van Driessen CHUD
CHUDitude: 7
Location of Outbreak: Progressive Magazine, Headline Article "Why I'm Not Patriotic"
Description of Attack: Madison's Progressive Magazine is like most run-of-the-mill socialist rags. It complains about how Obama is going to far to the center, it makes horrendously inaccurate predictions for Iraq, and it glorifies god-awful wuss musicians that "have a message". But, once in awhile, the coffee shops get shut down for a holiday and their inability to get their morning mocha latte sends them into a full-scale CHUD frenzy! The editor, Matthew Rothschild, talks about how horrible it is to live in our neo-colonialist empire on the 4th of July:

He has stripped patriotism to its vacuous essence: Love your country because it’s yours. If we stopped that arm from reflexively saluting and concerned ourselves more with “universal ideals” than with parochial ones, we’d be a lot better off. We wouldn’t be in Iraq, we wouldn’t have besmirched ourselves at Guantanamo, we wouldn’t be acting like some Argentinean junta that wages illegal wars and tortures people and disappears them into secret dungeons.

Ah yes, the pillars of military service in America: honor, courage, and orchestrating a coup in Buenos Aires. Mr. Rothschild, you are one sharp cookie!

Prognosis: Looking at Mr. Rothschild, one would assume he's a bit of a wuss that only gets upset when someone's pick-up truck blocks the bike lane. But, beware! These CHUDs pollute the minds of our impressionable youth in the lecture halls and streets of our public universities (like the University of Wisconsin at Madison). It's no secret that these embarrassing leftover CHUDs from the 60s don't like the military very much, and they will slip in commentary bashing our troops as long as they feel safe from reprisal (often in the form of "Fuck you, hippie" from the hard-working townsfolk). Any criticism toward their ilk will be construed as "death threats" from "right-wing hatemongers"as Mr. Rothschild points out today, or a possible Karl Rove conspiracy. So, tread lightly when observing this CHUD, my friends.

The Perks Of Hunting C.H.U.D.

Huntin' CHUD can be a dangerous way to peruse cyberspace, but the benefits are well worth your troubles. For notifying C.H.U.D. Busters of a sighting, you will get:
  • This spiffy button to put on your blog or show off at parties!
  • Blogrolled on the C.H.U.D. Buster Consortium List found on the sidebar to your right with a link of your choosing (no link requested will provide a default link to Soldiers' Angels)
  • The satisfaction of providing a unique way to support our troops!
All notifications should be sent to LTNixonRants (at) Gmail (dot) com with "I Got Me a Chud" in the subject line. Please provide appropriate links and how you know this is a confirmed CHUD sighting.

Interested in guest blogging? Please contact LTNixon via email.

The most important benefits are of course that the American public doesn't let this happen to our veterans.

Cheers! And stay safe out there.

Try Not to Drool All Over Yourself, Marine

Type: Zeitgeist Chud
CHUDitude: 2
Location of Outbreak: HBO Films, Comments Board
Description of Attack: The HBO miniseries "Generation Kill" premieres in about a week, and there has been a heavy marketing blitz found plastered across the politically-themed blogosphere. The miniseries is based on the Evan Wright book and promises to portray the initial invasion of Iraq from the perspective of a bunch of knuckleheaded, confused, and juvenile Marines. Since C.H.U.D. Busters will be unable to watch this miniseries (who are we? The Vatican? HBO costs extra), a quick look at the HBO comments board should shed some light on the target demographic.

One Marine, Recon2506, left a comment, fearing the entertainment industry would try to misportray our beloved Marine Corps: Folks there are a number of former members of the 1st Recon Bn that will be watching. We are suspicious of the intentions of the entertainment industry.

But another commenter, SonnyBlackBDSM, looks forward to the chance to chuckle at the perceived underclass of military servants from his art studio in Los Angeles:

However uncomfortable it may be to watch a portrayal of how confused our leaders and soldiers can be during war time, I always enjoy the reminder of our right to act it out, show it, and expose it. Just as it's "American" to be a jackass while in other countries, it's American to make fun of it (us)....and make money from it. I'm sure Generation Kill will do well.

Prognosis: Sonny Black does not appear to engage in hostile intent towards our servicemembers, but just like the rich housewife who thinks the Hispanic maid will steal all her jewelry, he appears to harbor foolish stereotypes about our most disciplined branch of the service. This is likely due to the fact that the military is portrayed as drug addicts, cold-blooded mercenaries, and bumbling rubes in Hollywood. The relatively small number of veterans (compared to WWII, Vietnam) within mainstream culture further complicates the problem. Sonny's home website shows that he is an artist specializing in the production of bondage gear in Los Angeles, often with scantily-clad vixens locked in cages. Indeed, Sonny, it is great that in America, you can make a living being a "jackass".


Mainstream Libertarians Get Attacked by C.H.U.D.

Type: CHUD from the Ronulan Planet
Location of Outbreak: Libertarian-Republican blog, comments
scription of Attack: Eric Dondero runs the Libertarian-Republican blog and is an avid troop supporter. There are various camps within the libertarian demographic, some more extreme than others, and Eric's decision to stay moderate on many issues, like foreign policy, leaves him ripe for attacks from CHUDs on the comments portion of his blog.

Recently, Mr. Dondero sent a zinger at Lew Rockwell, who penned a silly piece lambasting McCain for using the term "gooks". This is the same Lew Rockwell who called MLK a pederast and warned of the "coming race war" in the 90s. Because these racist newsletters had Ron Paul's name on it and was exposed by The New Republic, it killed Dr. Paul's campaign. Lew is probably the last person in the blogosphere to be allowed to accuse anyone of racsism.

Yet a CHUD named Speculor has come to the defense of Lew Rockwell and Ron Paul with a bizarre rant about the anti-semitism of our troops:

And what about all the special interest groups that gave money to McCain, like the military industrial complex, some of whom profit from the soldiers killing people in Iraq for oil on order (not only naming them names).

Andrew: Are you familiar with Bill White, leader of the national-socialist party in the US, that hates Paul. Are you aware that some neonazis have joined the US military in order to get combat training in Iraq, love killing "non-white" Iraqi's and spraying Nazi symbols in Baghdad? Could Charles Manson be running amok in Baghdad, killing civilians and spraypainting swastikas willy-nilly in the homes of Baghdad citizens as Speculor suggests? Uh, no.

Prognosis: Speculor is flying off the handle with strange, unfounded accusations about neo-nazis in the ranks of our troops in a lame attempt to denigrate the McCain campaign by proxy (since McCain was once in the military). Speculor is most likely to become equally unhinged whenever someone discusses building 7, doesn't understand the CFR-Bilderberg-Trilateral Comission-UFO-Liberal Media connection, or whenever his mother confiscates his Boba Fett figurines for spending too much time on the computer. Consider this C.H.U.D. outbreak a low-level threat and contained.

C.H.U.D. Huntin'

CHUDs have been spotted in various corners of the political blogosphere for quite some time. While many CHUDs linger in the comments on left-wing themed blogs, there have many reports of bloggers being attacked from right-wing sites such as Lew Rockwell or any other site where people think Ron Paul should be president. Some other places where they have been popping up are Youtube comments, Liveleak comments, MySpace, and Facebook. Remember, that CHUDs are only Americans, but we may try international CHUD hunting in the future. Any information on CHUD sightings can be promptly reported to this blog at ltnixonrants(at)gmail(dot)com.

Some basic tools are required for C.H.U.D. hunting

1 Hazmat suit

1 computer (desktop or laptop, your choice)

The willingness to go into the dark sewer regions of the internet

Be careful out there, brothers and sisters. Good Luck and Stay safe!